Remembering...

No parent should ever have to bury their child.
But 9 years ago that is what we were doing.
How does one go about doing that???
I can't really tell you.
You just do it, because you have no other choice.
9 years ago on October 14, 2001 at 10:45 p.m.
our sweet little Aspen lost her battle with Leukemia.
Our hearts were broken.
We spent the next several days preparing for her funeral,
preparing to say good bye......
I just wanted to share some pictures and share a few thoughts about that time.

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Roger Graham, the Elders Quorum President in our ward
called and offered to make her casket.
I was so grateful for his generosity
and was brought to tears with the end results.
So much love and thought was put into making it just perfect.
He carved an Aspen leaf in the top
and personally made the handles to look like a branch with an Aspen leaf on it.
He made an extra handle and gave it to us to have.
It sits on James shelf in his office.
When I first saw the casket, it reminded me of a cradle and it seemed so warm.
I can't really explain the importance of that to me,
but I knew it was perfect for her.
Several months later Roger told a story in Fast and Testimony meeting
about the making of her casket
and how one of the men who worked for him was asked to sand it.
Later when Roger went to check and see how things were going
the man turned around with sawdust on his face
and tears streaming down his cheeks.
He told Roger about how strongly he felt the spirit
as he was preparing the final resting place for Aspens perfect little body
and about how honored he felt to be doing so.
This was a man who didn't know us and he didn't know Aspen
yet he was touched by her short little life.

The Relief Society sisters in the ward made the lining for her casket
and also a little pillow to rest her head on.
Before closing the casket I removed the pillow to keep.
Not really sure why I chose to do that, but am glad that I did
and have that keepsake.

The end result was perfect.
I will always be grateful to everyone who worked so lovingly
to make it so perfect for her and for us.
You never think you will have to pick out a casket for your child.
I am not sure I could have done it actually.
So happy I didn't have to and will always be thankful to Roger
for making it so I did not have to.

Is it weird to say that the funeral was perfect?
Things could not have gone more smoothly and the spirit could not have been stronger.
So, so many people came.
99% of these people had never seen Aspen.
We kept her so sheltered and away from people,
yet the chapel was full. The overflow was full. Even the cultural hall was close to full.
I was so moved, by the love and support of so many......
Many of her nurses came. They loved her so much.
Pretty sure she was a favorite up at the hospital.
That meant a lot to me because they had become like family to our family.

The night before was spent preparing the relief Society room
with displays of all of her things and pictures.
I wanted people to know her.....
It turned out perfect!

Closing her casket was the most difficult thing to do knowing it would be the last time we saw her.
I let the kids pick out a couple of things to put in her casket with her.
Bobby had written her a poem,
and a few of her favorite toys were added and a little doll.
Then I added her favorite blanket that she liked to rub on her cheek,
and I made sure to take a corner of it and place it next to her cheek.
Everyone took one last look and then I kissed her and we closed the casket.
Can not even describe or put into words my feelings at that moment.
There are no words to describe that kind of heartache.....
The funeral went as planned with lots of tears,
but also a lot of happy memories about Aspen shared.
A very dear friend from our old ward sang the musical number,
a medley of songs by Michael Mclean
ending with his song,"We Can Be Together Forever"
It was the perfect song.........
Still can not hear that song with out the tears just flowing!

Upon returning home after the funeral we found a big sign on our fence that read.
"We love you Patterson family"
and the fence had pink balloons tied all over it,
as well as pink balloons lining the whole driveway,
all the way to the top...................
to this day I am not really sure who did that!
It was very, very touching.

This year I went to the cemetery alone......
on the anniversary of her death.
the boys were all at Lake Powell
and the girls at school and work.
I did not mind. It gave me time to reflect on my own.
It was actually quite peaceful and I was able to spend as much time
as I wanted there.
I don't celebrate this day, but I do recognize it.
One thing that I have learned in these past 9 years
is that life goes on..........
The massive, intense pain that you feel in the beginning
becomes bearable. You learn to live with the longing and aching.
In the beginning you find yourself thinking about them every second of everyday.
Then you find that maybe you went a few hours, and you didn't cry.
And after awhile you are able to remember them with more laughter than tears,
and you find a sense of peace that you never thought you would have again.
Life goes on, and you are forced to go along with it.
I am grateful for time, because with time comes healing.

I brought her 9 white roses,
and 9 white balloons
in honor of her Heavenly day........

As I was sitting there,
there was a Bee that was buzzing around and kind of bothering me.
So what do you do when a Bee bothers you?
You take a picture of it of course!

I also brought her a Tinkerbell Balloon!
She loved Balloons, and as a little girl I am sure she would have loved Tinkerbell!

The day after Aspen died we went to the cemetery here in Alpine
to pick out a spot to bury her.
I was devastated and could not believe that I was actually at the cemetery
picking out a spot to bury Aspen.
I could not even think straight. And every time I was asked what I thought
of a certain spot, my answer was always the same.
"I don't really care, you choose."
Finally, a spot was chosen that when you looked North East,
just over the tree tops you could see our home.
9 years later, the trees are taller, but you can still see our home.
I like that, and am so glad that spot was chosen.

One more thought I want to share.
Daniel was 5 at the time Aspen died and one day he went to the cemetery
with me and I was talking to him about the resurrection
and how some day Aspen would be resurrected from that very spot
and that we would be with her again.
He sat quietly for awhile and I could tell his little mind was thinking.
He then asked, "But mom, how will she get out?"
I told him that Heavenly Father would help her.
He then said, "But mom, did you see how deep the hole was."
Unfortunately, yes I had. But I again told him that it would be o.k.
because Heavenly Father would help her.
Then he asked, "But mom, how will we know when she is resurrected?
How will we know when to come get her?"
It took all I could to keep my tears in check as I reassured him
that we would just know.................
In his mind, when you are five years old, the concept of time means nothing
and we would be coming to get her any day.
9 years later and we are still waiting patiently for that day.............